Friday, October 21, 2011

Friday Guest: RJ Silver

Today my guest is RJ Silver, author of My Thrid World Girlfriend and The Princess and the Penis. Yes. You read that right. I read chapter 1 and it's pretty darn funny! If you want to read My Thrid World Girlfriend, for the next 48 hours (or 2 days) you can download a free copy of it from Smashwords using this code: TW68L


Hung Like A Bull
When Jan (my Thai girlfriend) was in her early teens, she used to ride a male buffalo. While I was drifting aimlessly through my mid-twenties, she was literally taking the bull by the horns.

At first, I was jealous of her. Then she said, “He very strong. One-thousand kilos of muscle beneath me, thunder across field, bounce me up and down, up and down, make me scream whole time.”

That made me jealous of the bull. No guy likes to hear his woman describe how another male “made her scream the whole time”, so I swept her up in my arms and ran all around the apartment with her, prompting a couple of small cries of surprise. “Like that?” I said, setting her down.

Having recovered from her initial shock, she shook her head and said, “No, not same. When you sit on bull and feel his broad back beneath you, you know you cannot control what he do. All you can do is hang on while he bounce you up and down, up and down – boom boom boom.”

I spun around, crouched down, and hoisted her onto my back, then again ran around the apartment as fast as I could. She didn’t scream much, but she did clamp her arms around my neck to hang on, so I figured that had to be worth something. “Like that?” I said.

“No, no,” she replied. “He two-meter tall at shoulder. He very fast, and his feet thump the ground heavy when he run, go—”

“Yeah, yeah – I know. Boom, boom, boom.”

I sat down on the couch, a little winded by my exertions. I knew I was being ridiculous. So she rode a bull in her teens. So I wasn’t the biggest, strongest beast she’d ever mounted, or the greatest thrill she’d ever experienced bouncing up and down. Get over it, I told myself. Don’t be so immature.

The problem, I soon realized, was that the apartment was too small. She wasn’t getting as much of a thrill riding me because I didn’t have enough space to reach my top speed. “Let’s go outside,” I said, “where I can carry you across an open field, just like he did.”

So we went to the park. I picked a downward slope to help me go faster, full of mounds and potholes to make the ride rough. Up she went, piggyback style once more, and down the hill I went, accelerating with each step, bouncing her all over the place. I even tried to sound like a bull, though, in retrospect, I probably mooed like a cow.

Halfway down the slope, I caught my foot on a rock and began to stumble. Sensing I was about to fall, she gingerly dismounted and landed on her feet. I, meanwhile, fell sideways and tumbled down the rest of the slope into a small pond at the bottom. My head had just popped out of the water when I saw her crouching at the edge of the pond. “Boom, boom, boom?” I said hopefully.

“No,” she answered. “But he go in water, just like you. He was water buffalo.”

That still wasn’t good enough for me. So I took her home and made mad, passionate love to her. “Boom, boom, boom?” I asked when it was over.

“Hmmm,” she said, scratching her cheek and looking sheepishly at the ceiling.

“Damn!” I said, frustrated.

“Oh, don’t worry,” she replied. “At least you not hung like bull.”

“Pardon?”

“One year, we hungry, have to kill him for food, hang him upside down to cure the meat.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes.”

Relief swept over me. My rival had been reduced to mere mincemeat. Despite his massive size, bulk, and power, in the end the only thing he could carry was the top of a hamburger bun.

My Third-World Girlfriend
Then I remembered that Jan had once ridden that bull for the sheer fun of it. She talked about him like he was a pet, yet, when pressed, she still killed him for food.

That made my situation crystal clear. If I don’t want to end up hung like a bull myself, I’d better keep her well fed!

And Remember: If you want to read My Thrid World Girlfriend, you can download it for free for the next 48 hours (or 2 days) from Smashwords using this code: TW68L

Hurry! The code expires Sunday October 23, 2011!

4 comments:

Penelope said...

Hi RJ! Are you going to write any more stories about your experiences in Thailand? It sounds like you have a lot of material. How about a Thailand For Dummies book or something? :^)

Hi Isabel!

RJ Silver said...

I might. There might be a story in there having to do with mixups in language and culture. It depends how much trouble I get into with fiancee, Jan!

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Laughing all the way through your tumble into the pond.
Poor bull! He got et.
But I recently said when it comes to a choice between great sex and riding a great horse, the horse wins.
Sorry. There's something about flying across a mountain meadow with all that power beneath you...
Try it.

RJ Silver said...

Ha ha ha. I think the riding the horse thing isn't quite the same for men. But we're not really worried. Horses can't buy you flowers or dinner!

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